I have struggled with honoring my truth and setting boundaries my entire life, up until 2ish years ago.

BTW: have you noticed the theme to this blog? I have basically been documenting my life since 2022. That year changed me. But let’s continue on..

For most of my childhood, through to when I was about 32, I was a complete people pleaser. I didn’t have boundaries. I was a giver. And people took, took and took some more.

But I was always wanting to be what people wanted and needed. It fueled my validation wound. So I put myself out there. Was often a doormat. Didn’t speak my truth. Hid how people made me feel. Constantly said “yes”, even if I didn’t want to. Accepted bare minimum from people. Overcompensated by going above and beyond to prove myself.

This happened with friends. In my career. With family. In my marriage. You can read about how during those years I completely lost myself to other people HERE.

It was exhausting. I was spread out so thin. And then I burned the fuck out.

I went from having absolutely NO boundaries. To trying to instill them. But they weren’t working. Everyone was still ignoring them. And then anger I had experienced from feeling disrespected all came to the surface at that point. “Why was I not being heard?”

So, somewhere around 2017 I decided I was going to let no one have a piece of me again. The walls went up. I built up walls so big that no one was getting through. I hid behind them. “Don’t like it? Get the fuck out” was my motto.

There was no effective communication or resolution.

Betrayal in my marriage? Wall.

Friends talking shit about me? Wall.

Unsupportive family? Wall.

Coparenting disagreements? Wall.

My mom appearing and disappearing throughout my entire adult life? Wall.

The walls kept me safe from being hurt.

I went from letting people walk all over me, to shutting down. And then I went from feeling disrespected by everyone else, to disrespecting myself by internalizing anger and resentment.

In 2022, everything came to a head. I honestly thought I had really strong boundaries. Until I realized I felt isolated. I had been emotionally disconnected from everyone… including myself.

That year, through mid 2023, was a HUGE pivotal time period. I wanted to peel back all of my adult relationships and how they have affected me. I started with opening up and read old journal entries. Old texts. Old emails. Old notes. They always left a breadcrumb trail for me. I never held back. And that was hard to see who I was during that time. I saw how I went from giving too much of my heart away. To becoming “hard” and closed off.

I started tracing back each version of myself during those times. What was going on? Who was I around? What situations were happening? How were certain things making me feel? What was causing me pain? What was I angry about? When did I honor myself? And when did I betray myself?

Each answer to these questions was a puzzle piece. And I decided to pick up all these pieces and put them together to create my personal boundaries portrait.

I needed to craft boundaries that nurtured myself, my relationships and my purpose. And if that meant relationship contracts needed to come to an end, I would make peace with it, instead of kicking people out with walls.

I was about to get real with myself.

When you think about your life.. Do You Have Walls or Boundaries?

Let’s be honest: setting boundaries can be hard. We’ve been conditioned to believe that boundaries are barriers that push people away. But here’s where we get it wrong—there’s a difference between walls and boundaries. Walls are rigid, built out of fear and self-preservation, designed to keep everything and everyone out.

Boundaries, on the other hand, are healthy lines you draw to protect your energy, your peace, and your sense of self. While still allowing connection, trust, and growth.

When you start setting boundaries, it’s important to remember that they are meant to protect your well-being—not to isolate you. Building walls will keep people from reaching you and block emotional intimacy, while boundaries, when done right, actually strengthen relationships.

Setting boundaries can feel like an empowering move. You’re claiming your space, protecting your energy, and saying, “This is what I need.” But what happens when those boundaries seem to fall flat? When people still overstep, you still feel drained, and you wonder, *why isn’t this working?*

Your boundaries aren’t broken. They just need a little adjustment.

And to help troubleshoot your boundaries, I have narrowed down 9 essential points that women miss when creating their boundaries..

And at the end of these 9 points of reflection, there is an immediate action plan you can take today.

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1. Your Boundaries Are Too Vague

I used to think saying, “I need space,” was enough. But without explaining what that looked like or why it was important to me, it left too much room for misunderstanding. When your boundaries are unclear, people will cross them. Not out of malice, but simply because they don’t know where the line is.

If you’ve been expecting others to magically “get it” when something feels off to you, it’s time to realize that clarity is kindness. Vague boundaries lead to hurt feelings and unmet expectations. This is usually the crossroad where walls go up because you’re not feeling heard. You deserve to be acknowledged and respected, but that starts with being specific.

• Fix It: Identify your core needs, not just the surface-level ones. Ask yourself what actions would help you feel seen, supported, and secure, and spell those out clearly to others. And remember you’re not pushing people away. When you’re clear about your boundaries, it empowers people to honor them.

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2. You’re Not Following Through

I used to set boundaries only to cave the moment things got uncomfortable. Every time someone crossed the line, I let it slide to avoid conflict.

Over time, this inconsistency became more of a wall—a silent expectation that no one would respect me, which only pushed others further away.

But the reality is, inconsistency teaches people that your limits don’t matter.

When you’re a people-pleaser, it’s tempting to backtrack just to keep the peace. But the damage is done when you don’t stand by your word. Eventually, this pattern builds resentment, and that’s when walls go up.

• Fix It: Make a pact with yourself to follow through on your word. When you feel the urge to bend, pause and remember why you set the boundary in the first place. It’s not about creating tension—it’s about staying true to yourself. Each time you uphold your boundary, you’re reclaiming your worth.

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3. You’re Avoiding Conflict

Speaking of conflict. You’re not alone in fearing it—many of us have been conditioned to avoid it at all costs. It’s that deep-rooted fear that if you stand up for yourself, you’ll be labeled “difficult.” Or worse, that you’ll lose the relationships you value. Maybe it feels easier to stay quiet, to swallow your frustration and convince yourself it’s not worth the fight. But here’s the truth: avoiding conflict doesn’t actually keep the peace. It just delays the storm. The longer you let it go, the more that frustration and resentment will build up. Until one day it spills over—and that’s when the real conflict begins.

Here’s the truth: standing up for yourself doesn’t have to be a battle. It can be an opportunity for deeper connection. When you voice your needs, you’re showing the other person how to love you better.

• Fix It: Reframe Conflict as Connection and shift your mindset. See conflict as a bridge, not a wall. Next time you need to speak up, frame the conversation as a chance to strengthen your relationship, not tear it down. Use “I” statements to communicate what you need in a way that fosters understanding, not division.

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4. You’re Prioritizing Others Over Yourself

I remember a time I would work at least 12 hours a day. I would take calls after 7pm. Stay up until 11pm making sure everyone got an answer or follow up. I would do back-to-back Zoom calls. I would inform people on my team that I put my phone on DND at 6pm. But then would always answer someone who was adamant about getting a response. I was exhausted of over-giving myself. Over time, I built walls to protect myself because I was drained. It’s easier to shut people out than to risk more of your energy. And because of this, I temporarily shut down my business.

It is easy to slip into this pattern. You’re used to being the giver, the one who always makes sure everyone else is okay. Even at the expense of your own well-being. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that putting others first is just part of who you are. But here’s the thing. When you constantly prioritize other people’s comfort over your own, you’re silently telling yourself that your needs don’t matter as much. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.

You deserve the same respect, care, and consideration that you so freely give to everyone else. But I know that prioritizing yourself can feel scary—like you’re being selfish or that people will think less of you. Yet, bending your boundaries to keep others happy doesn’t protect your relationships; it erodes them.

• Fix It: Reclaim Your Self-Worth. It’s time to remind yourself that your needs are just as valid as anyone else’s. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s an act of radical self-love. You’re making sure you have enough to give without losing yourself in the process. Set micro-boundaries with yourself. Start with one small commitment, like no work emails after 7 p.m., and stick to it. You don’t need to apologize for guarding your energy—it’s an act of self-preservation. Protect your peace like the precious resource it is.

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5. You Haven’t Set Consequences for Crossed Boundaries

Here’s the thing: a boundary without consequences is just a wish. I used to think once I explained my needs, people would respect them. But without consequences, it became easy for others to test my limits.

The truth is, consequences aren’t about punishment—they’re about self-respect. When you don’t outline what happens if your boundaries are crossed, you’re telling others that your needs are negotiable. This creates walls of frustration.

• Fix It: Pair every boundary with a clear and loving consequence. For example, “If this keeps happening, I won’t respond to you.” It doesn’t have to be harsh—it just needs to be consistent. And the beauty of it? When you consistently enforce your consequences, people will learn to respect your limits.

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6. You’re Still Saying “Yes” When You Mean “No”

Saying “no” feels scary, doesn’t it? It’s like a tiny word with a huge weight. But every time you say “yes” out of obligation or guilt, you’re betraying yourself. You’re telling your heart that your needs don’t matter. And the internal consequence of this, is creating emotional distance to protect what’s left of your energy.

Here’s the secret: “no” isn’t an act of rejection—it’s an act of liberation. It’s freeing yourself from the pressure to please everyone else at the expense of your own well-being.

• Fix It: Embrace the Power of “No”. Practice saying “no” with kindness. Start with small things, like declining a social event when you’re tired. “No” doesn’t have to be harsh—it can be gentle, yet firm. Each time you choose to say no, you’re choosing to respect your own limits. And that’s something to be proud of.

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7. You’re Waiting for Others to Change

This stung me when I realized it. I know this hits close to home. You’ve set your boundary and spoken your truth. Now you’re waiting for the other person to get the message and make the necessary changes. When you leave the power in someone else’s hands, the walls of disappointment can start to go up when your standard isn’t being met.

Here’s the hard truth: boundaries aren’t about waiting for someone else to adjust their behavior—they’re about you taking action. I used to think that once I set my boundaries, the work was done, and the other person would automatically fall in line. But change doesn’t come from sitting on the sidelines.

If you’re waiting for others to change, you’ll stay stuck in a cycle of frustration. The real shift happens when you decide how you will react.

• Fix It: Shift Your Power Back to You. Instead of waiting for them to respect your boundary, ask yourself, “What action can I take to honor my boundary?” Maybe it’s reducing communication, stepping back, or even walking away. Whatever it is, focus on what you can control, not how they’ll react.

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8. You Feel Guilty for Putting Yourself First

The guilt that creeps in when you start setting boundaries? That’s real—and I’ve been there. Society teaches us that putting ourselves first is selfish.

Boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re an act of radical self-love. You can’t be everything for everyone, and that’s okay. You deserve to protect your energy and peace.

That guilt? It’s often a sign that you’re breaking old patterns and stepping into something healthier. Something more aligned with who you really are. You deserve to live a life where you can show up as your best self. Not as someone who’s constantly running on empty. And boundaries allow you to do just that. They create space for you to thrive. For you to nurture yourself so you can continue to nurture others without losing yourself in the process.

• Fix It: Start with daily affirmations. Remind yourself, “I deserve space,” or “My needs matter.” Over time, this will help reframe the guilt into empowerment. Boundaries allow you to show up fully for others without losing yourself in the process.

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9. You’re Not Fully Aware of Your Own Needs

Sometimes we set boundaries out of frustration without fully understanding what we really need. If you’re finding your boundaries aren’t sticking, it might be because they’re not addressing the root of the problem.

Understanding your needs is a lifelong journey. It’s okay if it takes time to figure out what truly fills your cup and what drains you.

• Fix It: Tune into your inner voice. Reflect on what makes you feel valued and what leaves you feeling depleted. Ask yourself, “What behaviors cross the line?” and “What makes me feel whole?” The more in tune you are with your needs, the stronger and more aligned your boundaries will be.

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Action Steps To Take Today

Yes, this is a lot to take in, but today is the day to take control and start defining the boundaries that will change your life. Here’s how we’re going to break this down into clear, actionable steps:

Create Categories You Want To Set Boundaries In

Pull out your phone, grab a journal, or open up a document—whichever tool gets you the most fired up. You’re going to define categories for every important area of your life where boundaries need to be strengthened. For example, my categories included Marriage, Career, Co-parenting, Family, and Friends.

Ask Yourself the Tough Questions

You’re not skimming over this. Reflect deeply. This step requires honesty because clarity leads to transformation. For each category, ask yourself:

• What behaviors in this area have bothered me in the past?
• Why did those situations trigger me?
• What patterns or behaviors have caused consistent tension or conflict?
• When have I felt disrespected or undervalued?
• Which of my needs have been consistently neglected?
• What part of this area leaves me feeling drained or resentful?
• When has my personal space or privacy been disregarded?
• What communication or decision-making patterns frustrate me?
• What situations are overwhelming me or stretching me too thin?
• When have I felt taken advantage of?

Identify and Define Your Boundaries

These questions are your foundation. They are the stepping stones to identifying what boundaries you need to set. Don’t just write down vague answers—get specific. What needs to change? Where does the line need to be drawn? This is where you take back your power.

Know Your Why

You need to know WHY you are setting these boundaries. The answers to these questions will be your puzzle pieces. They are going to help you to start identifying your boundaries. But you don’t stop there. Follow through will understanding WHY you need these boundaries: Inner peace. Safety. Respect. Nurture. Honor. Loyalty. Growth. Congruence. Integrity.

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This journey isn’t about perfection; it’s about honoring your growth.

As you evolve, your boundaries will too—and that’s exactly how it should be. My boundaries have changed over time, and with each adjustment, my trust in myself deepened. What matters most is your willingness to put yourself first, unapologetically, and make changes when needed. Don’t hesitate to refine boundaries that no longer serve the person you’re becoming. You’re not locked into the past. You deserve a life that aligns with who you are right now… And the version of yourself that is still emerging.

Every boundary you set is an act of self-love. The more you tune into what truly matters to you, the more empowered you’ll feel to protect your peace, your time, and your energy.

Boundaries, unlike walls, foster connection, trust, and respect. They are acts of self-love that invite others to do the same.

So, ask yourself: Am I ready to give myself the gift of protection and inner peace?

It all starts with YOU.