---

“Last night I looked at myself, staring at my reflection in the mirror. In a way that no one has ever looked at me.

I stared at the woman looking back at me.

The fine lines. The blemish spots.

The way my lips naturally landed.

My collar bone and how feminine it has always made me feel.

I saw the hundreds of freckles covering my chest and belly. I used my finger to trace and connect each of them. Just as I have done to the stars at night.

My hands went to my lower belly. Cradling it, I smiled as I have carried 3 beautiful babies in this womb.

I ran my fingers down each arms, noticing all of the new freckles from the summer sun.

Turning to the side, I noticed how my shoulder blades moved as I moved.

I asked out loud: “Why have I never noticed these things about myself?”

I continued doing this until I made way down to my feet. Which to this day still makes me laugh at how long my toes are.

Staring in the mirror, straight into my ocean blue eyes, I watched as tears welled up. I didn’t wipe them away, I allowed them to fall.

I allowed my tears to land on the invisible scars that I have held in my heart.

The scars…. They use to hurt so bad. And some days I feel the pain as if it is still happening.

I just kept staring. Seeing past the vain parts of me…

I whispered “it’s okay..”

I don’t know why I said it. But in that moment I felt like everything would be okay.

I lathered my body in lotion, slipped on something I haven’t in awhile and just loved myself.

I loved her hard bc she has needed it for longer than she can remember.

So many times I want to be seen…. I want someone to make space for me, so that I can feel seen by them…

But I realized last night that I needed to see myself FIRST.

Raw. Without judgment. Compassionately. Kind. Loving. Pure.

I felt beautiful.

If I could pass this on to any woman, I would.

Because sometimes the “seen” we crave, really isn’t from anyone else, other than ourselves.”

---

I wrote this on a day where I was barely able to see the day ahead of me. My future felt shaky. My light was completely dimmed. I had lost my identity. I didn’t know who “Krystal Karmatz” was.

For the first time in years I was forced to see my RAW reflection.

Unbeknownst to me, I was about to embark on the most unconditional, soft, slow and forgiving journey of my life. In that moment, looking in the mirror changed my life.