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Part 1: I am exhausted. Burnt out. Tired of being suffocated by life. Everything feels hard. The mental struggle is getting worse. Dishes piling up on my nightstand. Clothes all over my floor. Not knowing the last time I washed my hair. Wearing the same pajama pants 3 days in a row. It’s a struggle just to get up and brush my teeth. My kids are eating frozen chicken nuggets 3x a week. I’m eating handfuls of dry cereal throughout the day. And when is the last time me and Stu had sex? 

I feel like I’m falling apart.  

As of this week, I’m going to close down my coaching business for a while. My life has been in the spotlight for 12 years. Showing every part of my day. Only the good parts though. Never the struggle. I have only highlighted my wins and have been hiding my eating disorder. And I haven’t been honest about the state of my mental health affected by the depression. I have run myself into the ground trying to be everything to everyone else. Without taking the time to refill my own cup.

Lately I have been curating everything. Isn’t that was an influencer is? 

But as a result, I’m slipping away into more depression. 

My mental, emotional and physical health is running on empty.

I don’t feel brave anymore. My fear of being seen for who I am, scares me. I don’t even know my purpose anymore. What the fuck? What is wrong with me? Where did I go? Why am I so uncertain about who I am? 

I want to breathe again. I NEED to pivot. My mental health cannot get away from me…

But I think I need to disappear, first. 

I’m going to refund everyone I’ve been working with. Take a backseat. Work on being more present with my kids. Put more effort into my marriage. Go back to therapy and start recovering from this depressive episode. I’m going to only show up online when I want to. And stop showing up because I think it’s expected. 

I’m taking the pressure off my shoulders. My mental health is too important and I have to prioritize it first and foremost.

So… I’m pivoting. I don’t know what that looks like or what it means. But I’m going to start. Even with shaky knees and a trembling voice.

I have tears in my eyes as I’m writing this. I feel like I just gave myself permission to slow down. This feels so foreign, as I’ve pushed through for so long. This will challenge me. 

I know I’m going to let people down. My income will be impacted. I will be risking my lifestyle. 

But is that really so bad?

I have always adjusted when facing difficulty, so why can’t I do it again? 

The universe has always had my back. I have to trust it will again. 

To my anxiety and depression: I’m going to honor you now. I’m going to understand you. I’m going nurture you. It’s time for me to listen.

Until the next journal entry…

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I wrote this journal entry about dipping into a depression years ago.

From a really dark place. I felt so lost. But, the past two years have taught me so much. I am much more intentional. Grateful. Patient. Understanding. Forgiving. And resilient.

I will come back for a part 2. This will be all about the exact steps, changes and strategies I tried during this period. I will cover what worked, what didn’t and how I discovered that being more “disciplined” was not the answer…